My lovely coworker (soon to be ex-coworker as I start a new job in a few weeks #yay #sadface #yayplussadface), Shari, informed me of a dinner gone awry the other night involving a Perdue chicken and insect spawn.
After removing the pernicious poultry from the oven, Shari began to whip up some gravy when this happened...
Apparently the maggot crawled out, Shari decided to take matters into her own hands by calling Perdue and then tweeting the image to the company. They tweeted back with a request for Shari to call and provide more details. Once she did, the response was almost as unappetizing as the chicken.
"So I call the number @PerdueChicken gave me about the #Maggot that crawled out my chicken and they say it's the chicken's sex organ," Shari tweeted. WTF?!"
I didn't realize that sex organs crawled around and keeled over after being in the oven for a set period of time, but then again, I'm not a chicken #sarcasm.
Adding to the "fowl play" is this recent article from Forbes describing what may be the billione-dollar poultry patriarch's dark underbelly. The article includes a video that is graphic in nature, so discretion in advised.
Back in 2011, narrator Randall, taught us about members of the wild who spend their days refusing to give a single f*** about anything with a viral video of an apathetic honey badger. If you haven't seen it (WHY?!?!) or just would like to refresh your memory of its awesomeness, see below:
No one can deny that the honey badger "don't care", but has anyone observed the similarly dispassionate nature in a more common land dweller--the pigeon?
Living in the city, I come close to accidentally kicking up to five pigeons during my walk to the cafe alone. Why do I almost kick them?
They don't get out of the freakin' way!
Unlike most foul, who will haul a** the minute they sense even the slightest of footsteps, pigeons would seemingly rather get mowed over by a random gaggle of pedestrians than bother themselves with the chore of flying away.
Case in point, I was in DC recently, waiting for my train at Union Station and this happened:
What you can't hear in this video is me going "OoOoOooOOoHHHhh!!!" when the pigeon gets really close to my foot, because...you know...bird flu...
I guess it's commonplace for pigeons to just mosey on in, because no one seemed to mind (the most extreme reaction I saw was a woman looking slightly perturbed when one flew over her head, nearly careening into her soy latte) and there were about four wandering aimlessly.
There was not a single f*** given that day by a pigeon. They just wandered about, sat on seats, and waited for a train to come that they hadn't purchased tickets for.
Rats with wings? I like to think of them as the Snoop Doggs of the sky.
After nearly a decade of serial monogamy, I can honestly say I have never been happier to be romantically unattached.
Unlike other times in my life where I would try to convince myself I was enjoying the punctuations of singleness, I actually feel relieved--albeit, liberated--that "settling down" with someone no longer registers as even the slightest blip on my radar.
From my late teens to as recently as a few months ago, I forwent risk and adventure to focus on school, then work, then more school and more work, with a litany of exclusive relationships peppered in to consume the rest of the time.
I never allowed these things (thank GOD) to deter me from making my friendships a top priority, and those relationships still rank as highly as those I have with my family. However, there were several times I'd see my friends posting pictures on social media from their adventures abroad while I sat at home writing college essays or picking up shifts at work, refusing to carve out any sliver of time to treat myself to a getaway or even a day off.
After my last serious relationship ended in August, my roommate and I (accompanied by a bottle of wine...God bless my Houdini corkscrew) decided to make respective bucket lists.
My list consisted of desires to travel to cities both abroad and within the US--I realized that I hadn't ever been out of the country (not even to Canada, which is basically America's fedora), or even to New York City...and my best friend is from New York!
Since then, my perspective completely changed. It was time to stop shelving all my adventurous and creative aspirations in favor of burning out at work and fretting over the day my OBGYN asks me if I want to freeze my eggs since I haven't popped out any infants yet and there's no prospective husband in sight.
I started writing again, planned adventures and looked toward the future as a blank canvas that I should fill with events and anecdotes that make me happy--regardless of whether or not "the one" would decide to make an appearance and become part of that story.
I guess the point I'm trying to make here (in a manner that may be more longwinded than necessary...hey, it's almost 2:30 am and I am still recovering from my tryptophan-and-wine induced coma from Thanksgiving), is that when you view your future happiness, marriage and family don't necessarily have to be the endgame.
I've come to view finding a romantic partner I want to spend the rest of my days with as something that would be a happy surprise and gift, rather than a necessity. And to be honest, most of the happiest and most successful couples I know weren't interested in any of that stuff either before stumbling upon each other.
P.S. for winos that are interested in not battling a cork...
As one who normally finds jealously profoundly annoying in a romantic partner, I was enigmatically drawn to biceps the new single and video for Nick Jonas' Jealous.
So apparently Nick Jonas got hot somewhere in between the Jonas Brothers breakup and recording his first solo album. He also seems unable to keep his shirt on as of late, which is an added bonus.
As all us new fans are taking a break from ogling Justin Timberlake photos, what does Nick's brother--and former bandmate--do? He ruins it for EVERYONE by posting this on his instagram:
Obviously I did some photo-shopping here to avoid any potential Google TOS violations, but you can click on the link to Joe Jonas' instagram above to see the blasted image in its entirety.
For those that don't know, that is Kim Kardashian's body that Nick's face is photo-shopped onto, because apparently there was some big hoopla over Kim Kardashian showing her a** in a magazine--because apparently that's supposed to be something out of character for a Kardashian...
Much like 99.9% of Taylor Swift's romantic relationships, I feel this whole "I'm-not-saying-it's-Katy-Perry-that-I'm-mad-at-but-basically-I'm-saying-it's-Katy-Perry-that-I'm-mad-at" feud between Swift and Perry is a publicity stunt.
Or at least I would hope it's a publicity stunt.
Swift is alleging that Perry tried to "sabotage" her last stadium tour by stealing backup dancers, because apparently Swift is so strapped for cash that there would be no way to hire other dancers, and what would a Taylor Swift concert be without a bunch of dancers? #sarcasm.
Perry was apparently like "oh snap!" when she read about Swift ragging on her, and tweeted this:
OOOOOOHHHHHH SH***!!!! You just got burned Mean Girls style, Taylor!
In all honestly, the whole thing is a bit confusing, so please refer to the video below for a visual play-by-play:
In my mind, Taylor Swift and Katy Perry have more important things to worry about than fighting--such as deciding on whether they should choose bubble-gum-pink or lavender as the color for their next Lamborghinis. I imagine there was some meeting between Swift, Perry, and their creative teams letting them know that they needed to start an elusive feud due to the fact that Swift needed to be "jaded" now after annoying the general public by whining singing about one too many fake breakups.
I'm sure both singers left the meeting with their only regret being that they'd have to cancel any upcoming gal pal dates they had planned, as any pictures snapped of them giggling over Frappucinos would offset the rumor.
Read more about this topic here, where I try to operate under the guise of being slightly professional in my writing.
I live with two roommates and one of them is moving out into their own place. My roommate, Makenna, and I decided to take to Craigslist as one method of seeking out a new roomie. Granted, it was late when we posted it and I hadn't taken pictures of the house at the time so we just posted a couple pictures of our charming selves to display our humor and awesomeness:
Obviously, this was during Halloween where I was dressed as Jessica Rabbit and Makenna was sexy Abraham Lincoln--otherwise known as BABE-raham Lincoln.
Who wouldn't want to live with that?!
Well, apparently a middle-aged married father was ECSTATIC at the prospect.
His email kind of gave me the sudden urge to shower after I read it:
"I saw ur ad on craigslist
u gals look awesome!
I would definitely like to put my face in that picture
back in the day I surely would have kept up with u
today I'm just over 50, married, w/3 grown children
I am a professional for Baltimore city
But I can still play a mean guitar!
my brother plays bass and we still enjoy playing music and play out regularly
I'm looking for a room, but mostly during the week and only in the winter
I work in [Baltimore during the winter] when it snows
my home is near PA and I end up staying in hotels instead of traveling back to PA
It ends up costing me nearly as much in hotel bills and I'd rather have a nice room of my own..."
There was also various selfies and pleas to gain us as instagram followers. Another "older gentleman" called to respond to the ad and the call went like so...
"Hi, this is Tracy."
"Hi, this is [I don't remember what the guy's name was]. I'm interested in the room?"
"Great! Would you mind telling me a little bit more about yourself?"
"Well, I'm what you may call an 'older gentleman' but I don't think that would be a problem. I'm moving back to the area and I saw the picture of you two girls and...that was...well...that was...*breathy unnecessary sigh*...that was...really cool."
"OK! Well, I actually am kind of busy at the moment. Why don't you just send me an email with more info and I'll get back to you."
I didn't get back to him. Now I had an urge for a shower and amnesia.
We actually did also get responses from genuinely cool, awesome people. However, for the aforementioned people that were not so awesome, I think my reaction can best be summed up from seconds 26 to 35 in the following video:
We live in the 21st century, where technological
advances are prominent and the prospect of needing to “settle down” with
someone before your mid-twenties is downright archaic. Dating is no longer
exclusively used as a treasure hunt to locate a lifelong mate, but an
opportunity for fun and learning. Finding Mr. Right right away can cheat some out of gaining valuable lessons—along
with some hilarious party stories.
Dating Different Types of Men Leads
to Growth
Even if it is one or two dates, dating each of these men can
render at least a few benefits. When you treat dating like a learning
experience, it aids one in formulating exactly what they are looking for in a
mate—and what would send them running. Here is a list of the 30 types of men
that can make the biggest mark on your dating life—for better or worse.
1.The Male Feminist
As
if we needed another reason to be head-over-heels for dimple-faced Joseph
Gordon-Levitt, the actor made waves throughout the media by openly identifying
himself as a feminist. He elaborated on his understanding of that title via an
August 2014 interview with The
Daily Beast and in a YouTube
video for his company hitrecord.
“What [feminism] means to me is that you
don’t let your gender define who you are—you can be whoever you want to be,
whether you’re a man, a woman, a boy, a girl, whatever,” Gordon-Levitt stated.
Basically, dating a true male feminist would be one who is against oppression
of any kind, and thus you’ll find
yourself safe from suffering the remarks characteristic of a closet chauvinist.
Albeit,
anyone that decides to make statements during your date like, “I’m not saying
all women are bad drivers but…”,
“it’s not that I’m saying women that dress like that are asking for it but…” while you’re simply trying to
enjoy a glass of Pinot Noir, is basically waving a red flag that should alert
you to run…fast.
2.The Boring Texter
“Hi.”
“Hey.”
“I just did laundry.”
“What’s up?”
“I’m still doing laundry.”
“Hey.”
“I’m having an iced tea and about to do laundry.”
Oft making an appearance after connecting with you on a
dating site or app, this guy’s texts read like a transcript from a golf tournament,
but there still seems to be some enigmatic allure—is he going to be as boring
in real life? What is this man’s fixation with laundry?
If nothing else, the boring texter encourages us to propel
ourselves from text-only conversations to actual face-to-face contact.
3.The Overly Sensitive Suitor
No one wants to date someone with a heart of stone, so
sensitivity in a man is usually looked at as a plus. However, when sensitivity
forays over into chronic tears and melodrama, you may find yourself scouring
the room for a sign marked “Exit”. The overly sensitive suitor will take offense
to the most minute of criticisms, constantly wonder if you’re still “feeling
it,” and allow the tears to flow at any and every location—even the office
isn’t safe from an outburst. The benefit of going through an experience with
the overly sensitive suitor is that it reminds us we needn’t take everything so
seriously—including ourselves—and that dramatics are better reserved for
Broadway.
4.The Booty Call
Once considered taboo, the booty call has become an accepted
staple of the dating world. Whether this relationship is established through an
acquaintance or from what was meant to be a one night stand, the booty call can
be summoned post-breakup, or just as an easy way to warm up those cold, lonely
nights.
For those that are not familiar, a booty call is a person
you engage in…uh…relations with without the commitments of an exclusive or
emotional relationship. Obviously selectiveness and safety should be practiced
if engaging in this kind of setup.
5.The Politico
Whether he’s a staunch republican or bleeding-heart liberal,
the politico is looking for your vote—and possibly to convert all your beliefs
to cater to his agenda. A date with this guy will feel more like being on a
debate panel you never signed up for. The benefit of going out with this guy is
that you have the opportunity to stand up for your convictions and practice
your campaign stance, should you ever find yourself running for congress.
6.The Over-Sharer
“I like your sweater—did you get that in Toronto? Speaking
of which, I was once maimed by wolves in Canada where my mom used to live. I
don’t know where she is now; we’re not really on speaking terms. I’m thinking
about ordering a bottle of wine, but sometimes I get teary when I drink reds
and the last time I had merlot I wet the bed in Vegas.”
The over-sharer has absolutely no filter, and this will
become evident within thirty seconds of meeting him. If you’re looking for a
ghastly—yet hilarious—dating experience to share with friends, the over-sharer
is your guy!
7.The Fitness Buff
The last time he touched a simple carbohydrate was in 2003
and he can likely bench your weight plus that of two Labrador Retrievers. This
guy can parlay into a great running buddy, trainer and also teach you the art
of juicing—fruits and vegetables, not the stuff athletes get fired for. The one
pitfall of the fitness buff is that he may turn out to be fitness-obsessed
buff, which can be one who practically lives at the gym and critiques all your
meal choices. The minute this guy starts lecturing you about the dangers of MSG
in your beloved Chinese takeout, it may be time to send him packing.
8.The Adventurer
Maybe he’s had the opportunity to travel a lot for work and
caught the adventure bug, or he could be a freelancer with the ability to pack
up and go as he pleases. Either way, the adventurer is great for opening his
partner up to new experiences and sights. Never been out of the country? This
guy has been to ten different countries and is planning on backpacking in
Europe next month; plan on booking a ticket ASAP.
9.The Commitment-Phobe
Most everyone has the not-so-pleasant experience of dating a
guy with commitment issues. He may be handsome and charming, but mention anything
about meeting the family or—heaven forbid—hanging out with your friends, and
bullets of sweat may begin to emerge from this guy’s forehead as a predecessor
to a full-blown panic attack.
There’s no nice way to put it—dating a man who refuses to
give you the type of commitment you want is upsetting at the least and
heartbreaking at the worst. The benefit of experiencing this is that healing
from this experience will both make you stronger and can help you get one step
closer to the right partner as you learn the different elements you want out of
a man—as well as the ones that have sent you running.
10.The Adorably Awkward Guy
He’s so cute you could just pinch him! The adorably awkward
guy might not have the best forte when it comes to smooth talk, but that only
adds to his charm. Many of us try to conceal our neuroses during the dating
process, but this guy will allow you to relax and be as quirky as you see fit.
11.The Sex-Starved Stallion
You haven’t even ordered appetizers yet and this guy is
strategizing ways to get you back to his place ASAP. Not to be confused with
the booty call, the sex-starved stallion masquerades as an actual dating
prospect before trying every trick in the book to get things headed in a
horizontal direction.
Make sure to only meet this guy in a public place and enjoy
your free meal before scooting home.
12.The Business Mogul
This guy lives to work, and it’s paid off in his favor as
far as his home, car and high-class lifestyle. Not only will this guy be
looking to treat you to the finer things in life, he also makes for a great
sounding board when you are looking for career advice or trying to navigate the
best route for you in regard to coupling financial security with work
satisfaction. The business mogul can sometimes be paired with the
commitment-phobe, however, due to his long work hours and possibly being
“married to the job.”
13.The Jokester
Possibly a fixture at open mic nights at stand-up comedy
venues, the jokester will keep you laughing all night. During times of stress
or burnout, this guy will help you remember to keep things lighthearted and not
take situations—or yourself—so seriously. The one caveat of the jokester is
that he may have trouble veering from his mission to gain as much guffaws as
possible when you want to be serious. Even if dating a jokester goes awry, it
can teach a valuable lesson of seeking balance in the dating world.
14.The Unattainable Guy
He may be married or simply attached, but the unattainable
guy tends to rear his ugly head in everyone’s dating life at one point or
another. It is wise to ignore his advances and steer clear. Often times, the
unattainable guy will conceal his marital status in order to successfully
pursue multiple singles. The unattainable guy defies logic by refusing to
detach from their significant other no matter how miserable the partnership may
be making them. Empower yourself—and stay true to your morals—by reminding this
guy that no one deserves to be playing second fiddle, and that having your cake
and eating it too is a no-go.
15.The Freelance Artist
This guy can often be paired with the adventurer—he makes
his own schedule and is following his dream. In a society where work can oft
become all-consuming, it can be refreshing to spend time with someone that acts
as their own boss. The freelance artist may not be swimming in cash, but his
free spirit and passion can open you up to new views and remind you of your
aspirations outside of the regular 9 to 5 grind.
16.The Musician
Not to be confused with the freelance artist, the musician
probably has a day job but dreams of landing a record deal and will frequently
be distributing fliers for different venues where he and his band will be
playing. There’s no denying the allure of a musician—whether he’s strumming a
guitar or banging on a drum-set, sex appeal immediately rises tenfold when a
man gets musical. However, beware of a few caveats that can come with dating a
musician—throngs of fans attempting to become “groupies”, late nights gigging
and a marriage to their “art” may leave little room for a relationship to truly
blossom.
17.The Philosopher
This guy is going to make your head spin—but sometimes it
can be in a good way. The philosopher is always trying to search for the greater
meaning of life, love and everything in between. He can often be found
discussing Buddhist principles in a yoga studio and may spend a majority of
your date—and even text messages—posing open-ended questions. The philosopher
can open your mind—and spirit—to new principles, and provide an enticingly
educational experience. However, sometimes the philosopher has difficulty
unwinding and the amount of jargon he throws your way can become a headache.
18.The Party Animal
This guy is either in college or would prefer life to be an
endless frat party. Don’t be surprised if his idea of a romantic evening is
ordering a round of tequila shots and invites you to do a keg stand back at his
place. Although the party animal can be a great companion for when you want to
let loose and have a good time, he inevitably becomes exhausting and the
catalyst to many hangovers. Avoid the headache, and keep this guy short-term.
19.The Eternal Bachelor
Otherwise known as George Clooney (before he tied the knot,
of course), the eternal bachelor is not to be confused with the
commitment-phobe—although there are some similarities. The eternal bachelor
takes no issue with being exclusive, but he also has no plans to shop for rings
anytime in the near future. The eternal bachelor is most noticeable in
unmarried men ranging from their late thirties to early fifties. If you’re
interested in a commitment that doesn’t lead to marriage, the eternal bachelor
may make for the perfect mate. However, those that are looking to eventually
marry and start a family will find this partnership has an expiration date.
20.The PDA Guy
This guy is super attracted to you and he’ll be darned if he
can’t show it! Whether it’s at a fancy restaurant, the movies, or even your
best friend’s baby shower, the PDA guy can’t keep his hands—or lips—off of you.
Although this can be both flattering and alluring in the initial “honeymoon”
phases of a relationship, PDA guy’s incessant need to touch and kiss you in
public will quickly become annoying. If properly steered, PDA guy may be able
to be trained to reserve his affections when you two are in private but be
warned—PDA guy can often be analogous to overly sensitive suitor.
21.The Ghost
The ghost is always a point of frustration in the dating
world. After an evening laden with great conversation and chemistry, the ghost
drops off the radar—no call, no text message. The ghost will often reappear
after a few weeks, only to disappear once more. He may drop you a random text
(and then fail to respond to you) or even call and schedule another date at
some point, but he inevitably will perform another vanishing act. The benefit
of the ghost is—although frustrating—he reminds us not to settle and to place
standards on communication for future suitors.
22.The Lovelorn Lothario
The lovelorn lothario is the polar opposite of the
commitment-phobe—he will profess his love to you after only a week of dating,
be waiting with bated breath to meet your family and constantly wax poetic
about how many kids he thinks you two should have and why a destination wedding
would best suit your personalities.
The problem with this guy (besides being super overwhelming)
is that he is actually more in love with the idea of love rather than you. You’re going to want to cut things
off with this serial monogamist quickly if he isn’t able to accept a reality
check and pump the brakes.
23.The Secret Freak
Much like the ghost, the secret freak will take you by
surprise. The secret freak masquerades as a normal guy with a gentlemanly
nature and stable mental state. As you begin to contemplate whether this could
lead to something exclusive, the secret freak will suddenly whip out a laundry
list of borderline-illegal stuff he’d like the two of you to engage in. Whether
it be getting spanked with a “My Little Pony” or putting his escapades on
YouTube, the secret freak is one that will send you running immediately.
Of course if you’re into that kind of stuff, by all
means—let your freak flag fly!
24.The Great-On-Paper Guy
This guy has everything going for him—a good job, sparkling
personality and chiseled jaw line. Your friends and family adore him. There’s
only one caveat—he’s not the right one for you. You may never understand why
that “spark” isn’t fully registering, but no matter how you try, you are not
going to want to continue to pursue a commitment with great-on-paper guy. Avoid
the temptation to beat yourself up for not being able to commit to this guy and
view the experience as a great lesson—love is both intangible and unique to
each person. We cannot control who we love and who will turn out to be right
for us. Great-on-paper guy offers us experience and a step forward to finding a
guy that is right for us—don’t worry, he’ll find the right one as well!
25.The Loner
The loner may be totally into you and even want a
commitment—as long as that commitment involves as little socializing as humanly
possible. If you have a large social circle—or even a small one—this guy may
make an appearance during an event or gathering every several months. The loner
enjoys being by themselves frequently, and doesn’t need to see you more than
once or a couple times a week to feel they are maintaining a connection. For
some—particularly introverts—this coupling can be a perfect scenario. For many,
however, the infrequent face-to-face connection can cause the relationship to
quickly lose its luster.
26.The Negative Nelly
Do you like Italian food? The last time he ate Italian he
ended up with food poisoning. Do you enjoy long walks on the beach? The last
time this guy went to the beach he got stung by a jellyfish and got rushed to
the ER.
This guy will find any excuse to downplay a good time or
criticize any and everything he encounters. Although you’ll want to ditch this
downer quickly, his off-putting attitude reminds us to revisit optimism even on
the darkest of days.
27.The Sports Nut
This guy has five (minimum) fantasy leagues going and he
wants to spend the entire evening telling you about them. He won’t be available
for a date—or at least conversation—any night that one of his several favorite
teams is playing, no matter how you try to entice him. He has a multitude of
jerseys he rotates throughout the year, and if his team loses—heaven forbid—be prepared
to spend at least a week consoling him. Like many of the others on this list,
the sports nut can be aggravating, but can also teach us to not take things so
seriously. Plus, he likely is a master at tailgate entrees, which can be a
delicious consolation.
28.The Look-At-All-My-Money Guy
This guy makes a ton of money and he wants you to know it! The
look-at-all-my-money guy loves to brag about his income and show off his many
prized possessions. Do you work at a nonprofit? Do you make less than six
figures? The look-at-all-my-money guy doesn’t understand your humanitarian
efforts if there’s not a Lamborghini attached. Cocky and infuriating, the
look-at-all-my-money guy reminds us to stay grounded and that happiness doesn’t
have to come at a ridiculous price.
29.The Bartender
After a night of turning away patrons with creepy pickup
lines at the bar, the amiable bartender can provide you with a cocktail to mend
your dating woes and also act as a sounding board. As your tab continues to
build, you may notice these friendly chats turning flirtatious and suddenly a
dinner invitation is extended. A bartender could make for an excellent
boyfriend, but often times these mixologists choose to keep their relationships
casual in favor of the many throngs of customers displaying interest. Also, if
you work a 9 to 5, it’s likely you will seldom see each other being that the
bartender will be working late nights and sleeping throughout the day. If
things go south, you may also feel the need to steer clear of what was once your
favorite watering hole. However, plenty of bartenders have happy and successful
relationships—and you’ll be guaranteed a discount on your tab.
30.The One
The one is unique to each person—they are the right one for
you. Although “the one” cannot be given a specific list of attributes,
qualities or occupations, the one will be that person that makes you happier
than sad and offers you a sense of completion. When you find the one, you will
no longer feel the need to ask your friends or family their opinion, or scour
the internet for articles validating whether or not the relationship is
right—you’ll already know.
Who else would you
consider to be an influential type of man in the dating world?
