10 Times "Billy On The Street" Was WAY Funnier Than it Had Any Right to Be

At the ripe old age of 29, I've come to a point of flux and anxiety that can only be conjured by the knowledge that "Dirty 30" is fast approaching. This is such a weird f***ing age. For every fleeting thought of "holy-crap-I-need-to-get-my-crap-together-and-travel-and-not-let-my-dreams-die-and-OH-MY-GOSH-IS-THAT-CROWS-FEET?!?!" there's also the relief of having survived all the drunk dials, "I-can-change-him" dating disasters, and a smorgasbord of other face-to-palm moments that litter our early-to-mid twenties.

I'm not a girl, not yet getting a Senior Citizen Denny's as Britney Spears would say. So as I contemplate the next steps in my life as I close out one decade and begin the next, I oft find myself turning to the escapism of viral internet humor in order to calm my nerves. My favorite binge at the moment is the irreverently delectable Billy On the Street, where the flamboyant Billy Eichner accosts New York pedestrians and quizzes them on pop culture by acting questions such as "Does Prince list the moon as an emergency contact?" (he does). 

Credit: Giphy

In honor of escapism and all of us getting older (F*** IS THAT A GRAY HAIR?!?!), I'd like to count down some of my favorite clips of Billy On The Street that manage to be way more hilarious than they have any right to be.

1. Miley Cyrus, Then and Now?

 2. Billy Destroying Art for Tyler Perry

I especially enjoy 1:05 to 1:07

3. Celebrating The Passion of the Christ

1:25 to 1:30...YOU. ARE. WELCOME.

4. IT'S DEBRA MESSING YOU GAYS!!!

5. Twitter is a Force

6. It's Spock! Do You Care?!

7. This "Quizzed in the Face" with David

8. And This One...

9. Lesbian Lightning Round

 

10. "WHAT IS COLBIE SMULDERS GONNA DO?!?!"

The Beauty that is Left Shark

I've always had a strange affinity--albeit, sympathy--for sharks. These "monsters" of the sea are oft framed by the media as contemptuous beasts. Their grandiose jaws paired with vacuous black stares make them ripe for disdain by the general public.

Ok...sharks eat us sometimes.

That sucks...I mean, like, royally sucks. However, what would the ocean be without these ravenous creatures cleaning up all the debris? I remember asking my parents when I was a little girl why God made sharks when all they seemed to do was nom, nom, nom on innocent people and sea life all day. My mother described sharks as a sort of garbage disposal for the ocean--if it weren't for these cartilaginous creatures, the ocean would be so dirty, we may not even be able to swim in it without crustaceous carcasses interrupting our splashy fun.

She didn't add the part about carcasses but it was basically implied. You see, the ocean is basically a shark's house and we're just living in it. Why, then, do cinematic hits like Jaws insist on slandering this species?

"You're gonna need a bigger boat..." Well maybe you're gonna need to come up with a hobby that doesn't involve going out into the ocean and provoking a shark that just ate a bunch of your friends...dullards...

After spending years fangirl-ing over Shark Week and being in opposition of these creatures' bad rap, I found myself swelling with elation when a pair of dancers definitively stole the 2015 Superbowl Halftime performance by dressing up as beauteous great white sharks and shaking their dorsal fins like their lives depended on it. The shark dancing on audiences' left side has now become infamously known as "Left Shark" due to his particularly off-kilter and seemingly un-choreographed dance moves. Let's have a look-see:

The internet went ballistic--and nearly broke itself--over Left Shark's disarming awkwardness while Right Shark decided to stay true to whatever the heck they were told to do in rehearsals. 

After less than a week of viral fame, however, The Hollywood Reporter revealed that those clumsy moves were actually right on point with what the dancer had been instructed to do.

"The sharks were given two main objectives," Perry's choreographer RJ Durell tells THR."One, perform Katy’s trademark moves to the 'Teenage Dream' chorus, which they both did perfectly; and two, to have loads of fun, and bring to life these characters in a cartoon manner, giving them a Tweedledee/Tweedledum-type persona."

"Clearly, that was portrayed with the overzealous shark on the right hitting precise dance moves, while the left shark," Durell says, "was playing up the more goofy, fun-spirited sports-fan mascot type, who was just happy to be at the Super Bowl."

On the heels of this revelation, US Weekly  reported today that both sharks had revealed themselves via Instagram. Right Shark is dancer Scott Myrick, the same dancer that allegedly sparked a feud between Perry and Taylor Swift (I still say that so-called feud is a publicity stunt, but whatevs...if I can make enough in album sales to buy five yachts I'll publicly feud with whoever you throw at me). Left Shark has been revealed as dancer Bryan Gaw, and I've decided to follow in the footsteps of thousands of others and follow Gaw on his Instagram and Twitter. Feel free to follow Right Shark on his Instagram and Twitter as well...his moves were pretty sweet.

But really, who cares if Left Shark's dance moves were the product of direction or a simple guffaw? That shark's exuberant gambol epitomizes the old adage, "dance like no one is watching." His carefree oscillations remind us all to revel in each moment and to shed the anxieties and trepidation that so oft suppress our authentic selves.

God bless you, Left Shark. You are a hero amongst women, men, and sea creatures everywhere.

Keep dancing!

It's a New Year: Time to Travel B****es!

I'm not usually a fan of making New Year's resolutions, but this year I decided to make two that I'm actually super stoked about. What are they, you ask?

• Legit pursue a career in freelance writing. 
• Travel a f*** ton.  

I've been working on both, but I plan to keep going full throttle. I turned 29 in October and my experience in traveling is practically nil save for some experiences I can credit more to my family than any actual go-getting on my part. As a Baltimore native, I've (like every Baltimore native to ever exist in the history of ever) been to Ocean City, Maryland tons of times. Even that is in large part due to my father being an avid surfer. Speaking of my dad...

Post by Tracy Dye.

Ok, I derailed a bit with that but I feel it deserves some public admiration from the tens of people many people reading this. I digress...

I've also been to Los Angeles, California because my sister lives there and a few other locations have been peppered in throughout the years (Vermont and Orlando, Florida when I was younger, and there was a spontaneous trip to New England a year back...blah blah...), but for the most part I've unwittingly allowed the years to accumulate untraveled. Between school and work (retail) and then going back to school while selling overpriced body lotions and hating my life working followed by the oh-crap-I'm-actually-a-grownup-now-or-something type of work, sewing my traveling "oats" became a point of regrettable procrastination. While my friends were studying abroad or taking Euro-trips, I was overloading myself with classes coupled with work, coupled with bad dates that later transpired into even more dire "long-term" relationships (i.e., three to six month rotations...late teens and early-to-mid twenties are a time of great life lessons, albeit horror stories). All of these events were punctuated by a slew of tequila shots and apple martinis.

At least I can check "hangovers" and "date a string of crazy people" off my bucket list.

In less than a year I'll be turning the dirty thirty, and I realize that I'm at this strange point where I get to straddle the proverbial line between free-spirited flirtatious single life and conscientious, mature taxpayer. I'm going to bed at decent times before getting up for work in the morning and keg stands are a thing of memories, but the prospect of "settling down" (a phrase that starts to insinuate its way into everyone's vernacular the older you get) still hasn't made a blip on my radar. I feel like once you enter your mid-twenties, there's this influx of weddings and subsequent baby showers--overlapped by even more weddings--that unfolds. People get married and start families all the time, but suddenly it becomes this omnipresence.

I'm nowhere near ready for that, which is fine according to an online quiz that told me no one's even going to decide to put a ring on it until I turn 41. And because the internet is always right (right?), that gives me over a decade to revel in my bachelorette-hood!

I had some time off for the holidays while awaiting the start of a new job, so I decided to cease the opportunity to get at least a little bit of traveling in. I didn't go terribly far, but it was still new territory for me.

Trip #1: New York City

Even though I only live four hours from New York City, I had never been there--blasphemy for someone that's grown up on the east coast and also used to be a theatre major.

My best friend is actually from New York (I know...why the "F" had I never been there, again??) and was spending the holidays there. My sister was also in town over the holidays, so I didn't want to commit to an entire weekend away, but Alice (the bestie) was going to be heading to the city on Friday from her hometown, so I booked a MegaBus ticket for a day trip.

Spoiler alert--the bus broke down...and it took over two hours to get it fixed.

That was fun...

In short, I probably should have planned for a longer trip or at least a much earlier arrival since I didn't end up being able to enjoy that much time in a new, exciting city. Still, I considered the trip a nice "preview" of NYC and still got to see some amazing friends, visit Chinatown and marinate in the illumination that is Times Square. Here's a panoramic summary of my time there:

#Bests

NYC Subway. Pretty much sums things up 

Some building

Chinatown (obviously)

Times Square

Trip #2: Philadelphia

My friend Paul goes to medical school in Philly, and we'd talked off and on about the prospect of me coming to visit. Steadfast in my NYE resolution, I took a weekend trip to visit him and it was pretty freaking phenomenal.

For one, alongside being a genius whose likely going to cure lupus one day, Paul is one of the funniest, nicest and most awesome guys I know. He was the quintessential tour guide, ensuring my trip was replete with food, drinks, sight-seeing, culture, more food and more drinks. 

Who needs a cheesesteak when you have bacon, eggs, cheese and maple syrup wrapped in a crepe? I ordered this masterpiece at Cafe Lift. 

The Franklin Institute was AHHHH-MAZING! The Animals Inside Out exhibit was ridiculous. You can ch-ch-check out some gross-yet-awesome photos on my Instagram.

For the love of science!

Chilling on the bone bench #bonebench

Then the drinking began...

And kept going...

And kept going...by candlelight, no less!

The truffled mushrooms with fontina at Tria Cafe were amazing, btw.

Here's to a new year and new experiences!!

xo

This Response to Russell Crowe's "Female Actors Need to Act Their Age" Comment is Awesome

Apparently actor Russell Crowe is sick of women in Hollywood of a certain age complaining that certain roles "dry up" for them more easily than their male counterparts. Crowe is now coming under fire for the comments made in The Australian Women's Weekly, in which he notes that females should not expect to play ingenues once they entered into their 40's:

"To be honest, I think you'll find that the woman who is saying that (the roles have dried up) is the woman who at 40, 45, 48, still wants to play the ingénue, and can’t understand why she's not being cast as the 21 year old...I have heard of an actress, part of her fee negotiation was getting the number of children she was supposed to have lessened. Can you believe this? This (character) was a woman with four children, and there were reasons why she had to have four children – mainly, she lived in a cold climate and there was nothing to do but fornicate all day -  so quit arguing, just play the role."

Nothing can warm up a cold night like some good old-fashioned fornication. However, as my glance shifts to my window here in Baltimore, where the snow is falling unremittingly (it's like an influx of God's dandruff at this point...if God has dandruff...I digress...) I realize that a sweater can also suffice. I wonder if said actress would agree.

Jezebel contributor, Rebecca Rose, had more than a few rejoinders for Mr. Crowe's remarks (the title of her post was "Always Full of Sh** Russell Crowe Says Actresses Should Act Their Age" to preface):

"Strange how in an industry where actors vehemently defend people like Jared Leto playing a trans character or white actors cast as non-white characters on the grounds that acting is about stepping outside of your physical barriers it's such an affront to consider that women be allowed to step outside of their actual ages...Funny how Crowe doesn't bother to offer any opinion about the mind boggling legacy of Hollywood men playing romantic leads to women 10,20, 30, and sometimes 40 (!!!!!) years younger than them. Because it's clearly the sad old women daring to pretend they are outside their actual birth ages that are ruining Hollywood."

I'm going to have to give these sentiments an emphatic "AMEN!" Another gal who is with me on that would be my ever-so-lovely friend Jessica Baroody. After the story broke, she posted this quip to Facebook:

Case in point:

WTF Perdue?! Maggot Crawls Out of Chicken Dinner

My lovely coworker (soon to be ex-coworker as I start a new job in a few weeks #yay #sadface #yayplussadface), Shari, informed me of a dinner gone awry the other night involving a Perdue chicken and insect spawn. After removing the pernicious poultry from the oven, Shari began to whip up some gravy when this happened...

And I'm like...



Credit: Photobucket

Apparently the maggot crawled out, Shari decided to take matters into her own hands by calling Perdue and then tweeting the image to the company. They tweeted back with a request for Shari to call and provide more details. Once she did, the response was almost as unappetizing as the chicken.

"So I call the number @PerdueChicken gave me about the #Maggot that crawled out my chicken and they say it's the chicken's sex organ," Shari tweeted. WTF?!"

I didn't realize that sex organs crawled around and keeled over after being in the oven for a set period of time, but then again, I'm not a chicken #sarcasm.

Adding to the "fowl play" is this recent article from Forbes describing what may be the billione-dollar poultry patriarch's dark underbelly. The article includes a video that is graphic in nature, so discretion in advised.

@PerdueChicken, explain thyself!

Pigeons: Snoop Doggs of the Sky?

Back in 2011, narrator Randall, taught us about members of the wild who spend their days refusing to give a single f*** about anything with a viral video of an apathetic honey badger. If you haven't seen it (WHY?!?!) or just would like to refresh your memory of its awesomeness, see below:

No one can deny that the honey badger "don't care", but has anyone observed the similarly dispassionate nature in a more common land dweller--the pigeon?

Living in the city, I come close to accidentally kicking up to five pigeons during my walk to the cafe alone. Why do I almost kick them?

They don't get out of the freakin' way!

Unlike most foul, who will haul a** the minute they sense even the slightest of footsteps, pigeons would seemingly rather get mowed over by a random gaggle of pedestrians than bother themselves with the chore of flying away.

Case in point, I was in DC recently, waiting for my train at Union Station and this happened:

What you can't hear in this video is me going "OoOoOooOOoHHHhh!!!" when the pigeon gets really close to my foot, because...you know...bird flu...

I guess it's commonplace for pigeons to just mosey on in, because no one seemed to mind (the most extreme reaction I saw was a woman looking slightly perturbed when one flew over her head, nearly careening into her soy latte) and there were about four wandering aimlessly.

There was not a single f*** given that day by a pigeon. They just wandered about, sat on seats, and waited for a train to come that they hadn't purchased tickets for.

Rats with wings? I like to think of them as the Snoop Doggs of the sky.

Why You Can Stop Hating Single Life RIGHT NOW (seriously...)

After nearly a decade of serial monogamy, I can honestly say I have never been happier to be romantically unattached.

Unlike other times in my life where I would try to convince myself I was enjoying the punctuations of singleness, I actually feel relieved--albeit, liberated--that "settling down" with someone no longer registers as even the slightest blip on my radar. 

From my late teens to as recently as a few months ago, I forwent risk and adventure to focus on school, then work, then more school and more work, with a litany of exclusive relationships peppered in to consume the rest of the time. 

I never allowed these things (thank GOD) to deter me from making my friendships a top priority, and those relationships still rank as highly as those I have with my family. However, there were several times I'd see my friends posting pictures on social media from their adventures abroad while I sat at home writing college essays or picking up shifts at work, refusing to carve out any sliver of time to treat myself to a getaway or even a day off. 

After my last serious relationship ended in August, my roommate and I (accompanied by a bottle of wine...God bless my Houdini corkscrew) decided to make respective bucket lists. 

My list consisted of desires to travel to cities both abroad and within the US--I realized that I hadn't ever been out of the country (not even to Canada, which is basically America's fedora), or even to New York City...and my best friend is from New York! 

Since then, my perspective completely changed. It was time to stop shelving all my adventurous and creative aspirations in favor of burning out at work and fretting over the day my OBGYN asks me if I want to freeze my eggs since I haven't popped out any infants yet and there's no prospective husband in sight.

I started writing again, planned adventures and looked toward the future as a blank canvas that I should fill with events and anecdotes that make me happy--regardless of whether or not "the one" would decide to make an appearance and become part of that story.

I guess the point I'm trying to make here (in a manner that may be more longwinded than necessary...hey, it's almost 2:30 am and I am still recovering from my tryptophan-and-wine induced coma from Thanksgiving), is that when you view your future happiness, marriage and family don't necessarily have to be the endgame. 

I've come to view finding a romantic partner I want to spend the rest of my days with as something that would be a happy surprise and gift, rather than a necessity. And to be honest, most of the happiest and most successful couples I know weren't interested in any of that stuff either before stumbling upon each other.

P.S. for winos that are interested in not battling a cork...